Check-In

Currently: Lesson planning.  I've had to put some writing on hold (reluctantly) because it's only 9 weeks until summer.  I about had a heart attack today when it hit me that it's so close to the end of the year and we start our state testing next week.  My heart is in my nose.

Listening: The cat breathing heavy, my heart thudding, my sister (who's staying with us occasionally) watch "The Voice."

Loving: That the weather is getting nicer and the days are getting longer.  I'm also anticipating the end of the school year, although I do really enjoy my kids.

Thinking: About how I want to write so much, but don't have enough time right now.  I barely have time to breath.

Wanting: To take a week to just write and create things.  Soon enough, soon enough...

Needing: To relax a bit and take deep breaths.

OLW (one little word): Breathe.

Get Lit! Festival

Hi there.  Well, I was not a complete social recluse tonight.  I enjoyed the Get Lit! Festival.  No, that's not code for go-out-and-get-shit-faced.  It's a festival put on by EWU to celebrate literature in our community.  I had the opportunity to attend a reading by Colson Whitehead (Zone One) and Jess Walter (Beautiful Ruins).  Both were thoroughly entertaining.  The best part?  Hearing about their process and how it's not so magical all the time...which I knew was true per my own writing experiences, but it's always nice to hear from others for confirmation of this fact.  I'm going to pick up copies of their books ASAP to add to my list (which means I will be downloading them onto my Nook).  Happy reading!

Losing one's rainbow

This post has been stewing in my head for a bit.  It wasn't until recently that I felt the real importance of getting it down.  Because some things are hard to get out of your mouth and to say in the way that you want others to interpret them.  But what it comes down to is, I've been an ass.

No, I'm not a mean-spirited person.  I haven't intentionally hurt anyone or done anything out of being vindictive.  I just didn't make my time and companionship available to some people I really love.  It's true I'm busy with a full-time job, a husband, 3 kids, and an attempted writing career, but that's no excuse for not being with the one's I love because they are an important part of the balance I need, they need, we need.  So here it is--a public apology to all of those people I love and whom make me happy, inspired, and comfortable in my own skin and for those that accept me for the eccentric person I tend to be at times.

I haven't made the time for those I need to because I've frankly been wrapped up in my own internal drama.  I knew it was happening, but I was feeling a little incapable of solving the issue for the past 6 months.  I'm not one to discuss my deepest, darkest, most inner feelings with anyone.  And I mean anyone--I'll give those I REALLY trust a little glimpse of it, but this monster is truly too frightening to share.  Those feelings rooted deep in the most hollow part of me are not for sharing.  What it comes down to though is that I--deep breathe--have known for years (since I was 19) that I have anxiety issues and depression.  I had major anxiety and depression at 19 and learned to control it.  Recently, it has come back to the forefront of my life and I'm having to learn once again to get it in check.

Now that doesn't mean that I'm this little unhappy female walking around like Eeyore all the time.  Sometimes that's how I feel inside and I can put on a very happy face.  Other times I have such life-paralyzing social anxiety that I can't go out and have fun with those I really want to because physically I feel incapable of it.  My body just wants to shut down and close off from the world.  In fact, I feel very very uncomfortable even typing this, which is causing me to want to freeze up and huck my laptop.

But I think it's important to be honest with myself.  This is who I am.  I'm not crazy.  I'm not a bad person.  I'm not a broken, lacking, less-valued human being because of these things.  In fact, I realize many creative people cope with these issues (and even much much worse than this).  I embrace that these "deficiencies" are a part of me and make me who I am.  If you're going to love me, I know you love me for all that I am because this makes me the wonderful, silly, vivacious person you see.

So, sorry to all of those that I dearly love for being not present in the moment and being a bit of a little black rain cloud.  I'm coming back and my rainbow is getting brighter in the sky once again.

Commitment

I officially purchased a REAL domain name!  I'm so excited.  It feels more like a commitment to myself and my writing than anything else.  I'm elated to bring new and exciting things this year to my blog, and I think this will help with it looking real, and not chintzy.  Thanks to those that follow already...you're awesome.  And to those just coming in, enjoy!

Check-In

Currently: Getting ready to shut down and go off to dream land.  Dealing with laryngitis.

Listening: To Dexter snore his little puggy snore.

Loving: That it's my week off, yet it's just as busy as a week on--however it's a week filled with things I want to do.

Thinking: About how close the carrot is--just a few more chapters and the first draft is complete.  Although, it did go from 20 chapters to 22 (I think). I'm on 17.

Wanting: To have enough time to edit really well before the writing conference in July--I don't think I'll have enough, though.

Needing: To force myself to sleep.

OLW (one little word): Relax.

Check-In

Currently: Fighting the migraine.  I think I have it at bay now.  Attempting to write before we run a 5K tonight.  Yes, I said tonight.

Listening: To the family watching the new Sponge Bob episode.

Loving: That my creativity is flowing and I get to meet up with lots of cool people this week.

Thinking: About how to solve the complexities of my novel.  Writing a novel is much different than short stories. Also thinking about switching my blog to wordpress (GASP!!!).

Wanting: The book to be perfect.  That's always my biggest fight with myself--things not being perfect--or the the fear of things not being perfect--can be parallelizing.

Needing: To create a machine that gives me more time.  

OLW (one little word): Run

Nocturnal Emission

Imagine me, 30-something FEMALE elementary teacher, standing up in front of 25 10-year old boys and informing them about:
-the penis
-testicles
-sexual intercourse
-nocturnal emission, aka "wet dream"
-erection
-abstinence
-breasts
-wenis
-vagina/bagina (take your pick)
-puberty

Last year, my teaching partner and I pretty much ROSHAMBO'd to see who would be teaching the girls for Human Growth and Development and who would be teaching the boys.  Lucky me, I struck gold and got the boys.  So, I actually decided I would take care of the fellas again this year because it really was easy last year--the boys were so terrified that their female teacher was saying THOSE words that I think the only real questions I got were "So when does puberty happen?" and "Do I have to have sex?" That's cake compared to--excuse the bluntness--breast development, menstruation, and where babies come from.

Now, fast forward to this year.  We knew this was a much more open and curious bunch, but not until we had the "talk."  Holy moses...

I won't go into full details, but I will say pandora's box was opened.  The first question ended up being brought to me by my teaching partner in which one young man said, "What's a wenis?"  Giggles immediately filled the room.  My teaching partner suggested that maybe we had some vocabulary confusion.  But then in chimed genius boy who informed us that wenis is an actual term that means the skin on your elbow.  We quickly confirmed this with a visit to the online dictionary and from there the rubbing of the wenis plagued us as a major joke in class.  "Let's rub the magic wenis!"

And then came the questions--here are a few of my favorites:
Q: Does sperm come in different colors?
A: "No, sorry buddy it's just plain old white-ish."  What I wanted to say? It comes in sparkly and rainbow colors, too--thats how unicorns are made!
Q: Do I have to have sex to make a baby?
A: "In most cases, yes."
Q: Can you get a "rection" when you look at girls?
A: "Well, yes, you can.  Or if you touch that area or you might just get one." (Big eyes and covered mouths from several little guys)
Q: What's a nocturnal emission? How does it happen?  (Really?  You had to ask me this?)
A: "Sometimes that's called a wet dream.  You might get an erection in your sleep and ejaculate.  You might be thinking about something or nothing at all.  It just happens, kiddo.  If it does, get yourself up, change your clothes and sheets (your family will thank you for that one) and move on.  It's normal."
Q: How much fluid comes out during a wet dream?
A: (Seriously?) "That's one I just don't know, being that I'm not a dude.  Let's make sure you ask Dad that one."
Q: When you go through puberty, does your butt grow, too?
A: "Yes.  Don't you think it would look a little strange if the rest of your body was growing and your butt wasn't?  You'll grow proportionately."
Q: Will my penis grow?
A: "Yes, but everyone is different.  You won't look the same as your buddy just like some guys are taller, or heavier, or skinnier."

That's just a few of them!  I was actually very proud that they were so comfortable asking them of their female teacher.  They had so many questions I actually ran out of time during the lesson and had to tell them to visit me later with any other questions.  Crazy, right?  At least now I'm ready for prepping my own sons when that time comes...Oh, and the best comment?  Some little guy coming up to me so shy at the end of the day and whispering, "What's a bagina?"  I whispered back and his eyes got REALLY big!  "Ohhhhhh!!!!"  He said his family calls it something else. :)